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Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden OMAHA, NE—Calling Edward Snowden both a “TRUE PATRIOT” and an “AMERICAN HERO,” Tony Dewitt, 32, reportedly voiced his unflinching support... "EDWARD SNOWDEN IS THE ONLY ONE WILLING TO UNCOVER THE LIES WE ARE ALL BEING TOLD." http://t.co/jFU92wplEB

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Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter,... The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters. Brendan Fraser: “If I win Kickstarter, I will make it very worth it for the Internet.” http://t.co/uoYShPLlhv

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Empire State Building Ultimately Supports NSA Spying... Empire State Building Ultimately Supports NSA Spying Measures http://t.co/1fIz70lp9Q

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GOP: ‘We Support Our Nation’s 11 Million Latino... WASHINGTON—As the debate over immigration reform continues in Congress, members of the Republican Party on Tuesday voiced their unequivocal support... "The Republican Party respects you and your blatantly illegal interests. We stand with you, wanton transgressors." http://t.co/3fGFDDrTAI

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Area Man Outraged His Private Information Being Collected By... VIOLA, NY—After a government whistleblower revealed last week that the U.S. National Security Agency is collecting phone records and other data as... Man infuriated his online browsing habits are being archived by organizations that aren’t trying to sell him products http://t.co/OgVHvS9fF8

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HBO Film Reveals Liberace Was Good Friends With Gay Men NEW YORK—According to critics, the new Liberace biopic Behind The Candelabra, which premiered on HBO last month, reveals that the famed musician and... HBO film shows Liberace "did not discriminate against gay men in the slightest, despite being a famous ladies’ man" http://t.co/PWdV0XIdmP

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Nothing Gets Me Wetter Than A Monotonous Domestic Routine By Melanie Kayfetz "It’s like he’s hitting my G-spot every time he texts me at precisely 6:30 to ask about dinner." http://t.co/cpK5BYYboH

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Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn... Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird http://t.co/tZp47YoVTY

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Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow... FOXBOROUGH, MA—Following news that free agent quarterback Tim Tebow was acquired by the New England Patriots, sources close to the organization told... Patriots To Finally Get Some Media Attention With Tebow Signing http://t.co/pbx0YFC0Xg

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 11, 2013 Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's... Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 11, 2013 http://t.co/rhHldkz3tZ

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Vladimir Putin Divorcing Wife Russian President Vladimir Putin and Lyudmila, his wife of almost 30 years who was rarely seen in public, announced their joint decision to divorce... [American Voices] “Great. Another president to compete with on the dating scene.” http://t.co/6mZT85vhXK

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Couple Unable To Conceive Of Child FREEPORT, ME—After six months of attempting to conceive of having children, local couple Beth and Nathan Jablonski told reporters Monday that... In Focus: Couple Unable To Conceive Of Child http://t.co/pBGZaIT3cY

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Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From... CALIFORNIA, PA—Students, faculty, and attendees at California University of Pennsylvania’s commencement ceremony stood and cheered Sunday as... Crowd Cheers As 93-Year-Old Fuckup Finally Graduates From College http://t.co/BMJWaZ7KbM

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New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has... WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose... New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up http://t.co/MOwZ5kDLyw

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Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’... CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of... Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying the Hell Out Of Sears' Decline http://t.co/L7ALvpE27L

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Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See 'After Earth' Really... STOCKTON, CA—While purchasing a single ticket to see a Monday afternoon screening of the Will Smith film After Earth, poor son of a bitch Evan... Poor Bastard Who Just Wanted To See ‘After Earth’ Really Taking Shit From Theater Employee http://t.co/bn9LuiauV0

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Features Of Apple's New Streaming Music Service At its annual developer conference this week, Apple unveiled its long-rumored streaming music service. Features Of iTunes Radio, Apple's New Streaming Music Service http://t.co/Ec9BW8s59i

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George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family SANTA FE, NM—In yet another stunning twist that has reportedly shocked fans and law enforcement officials alike, fantasy author George R.R. George R. R. Martin Kills Off Whole Family http://t.co/WDRLUlgGVU

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Gary Bettman Wondering If He Really Has To Attend Every Game... NEW YORK—With the Stanley Cup finals quickly approaching, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters Monday that he’s starting to wonder if he... In Sports: Gary Bettman Wondering If He Really Has To Attend Every Game Of Stanley Cup Finals http://t.co/Xzv6eJePgL

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Patriots Sign New Long Snapper BREAKING: Patriots Sign New Long Snapper http://t.co/3hBKClhmWS

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NSA Whistleblower Flees To Hong Kong Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old contractor working for the National Security Agency, has taken credit for leaking top-secret documents to the press... [American Voices] "You want to get that leaking-classified-intelligence-data stuff out of your system in your 20s." http://t.co/VLEVqtSKCk

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Report: Get Back To Fucking Work WASHINGTON—An alarming new labor report released just moments ago has concluded that you should stop reading this article right now and get the fuck... Report: Get Back To Fucking Work http://t.co/ySakApZ7YC

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Lockheed Martin Engineer Told To Make It Sear Faces Off... BETHESDA, MD—While reviewing his work on a new project, officials at defense contractor Lockheed Martin told engineer Erik Whitaker that it was... "Ideally, we want it to immediately melt off all the skin from the crown of the head to the neck." http://t.co/BGReXuopRb

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A Job With No Benefits Editorial Cartoon: 'A Job With No Benefits' http://t.co/iqdNqbU51H

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Week In Pictures – Week Of June 10, 2013 The Week In Pictures – Week Of June 10, 2013 http://t.co/u9z4cfmQzn

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'Archie' To Become Live-Action Film Warner Bros. Pictures will produce a live-action movie based on the 72-year-old Archie comics franchise, portraying the characters of Archie,... [American Voices] “That’s great! And here I was, about to go home and kill myself.” http://t.co/tU2JGQNXVL

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School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy LOS ANGELES—Seeking to reduce incidents of student violence and insubordination, the Los Angeles Unified School District voted 9-3 Monday to... In Focus: School Board Adopts Gay-Ass Uniform Policy http://t.co/p3T98HUiTf

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Narrow Line Of Dirt Not Being Swept Into Dustpan Without A... Narrow Line Of Dirt Not Being Swept Into Dustpan Without A Fight http://t.co/pKFSsuDGUC

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The Onion's Coverage Of Internet Privacy In Focus: The Onion's Coverage Of Internet Privacy http://t.co/7mKNIiOkDQ

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John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At... NEW YORK—According to confused onlookers inside Penn Station, recently fired New York Rangers head coach John Tortorella is currently wandering... In Sports: John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone http://t.co/KWtTxDmTz1

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Pentagon Leaders Confirm U.S. Military Sexual Assaults Still... Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they... Pentagon Leaders Confirm U.S. Military Sexual Assaults Still Best In World http://t.co/Ue6l6SdBrd

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U.S. Operating Massive Online Spying Program The National Security Agency admitted to accessing the databases of many of the largest internet companies including Google, Facebook, Apple, and... [American Voices] “It’s nice to see Republicans and Democrats sneaking around together on this.” http://t.co/7QRbHOoUJG

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The Week In Sports – Week Of June 7, 2013 SLIDESHOW: The Week In Sports http://t.co/iG4uDlUh5L

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Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From... SAVANNAH, GA—Expanding a retail line that already includes kitchen supplies, bakeware, and cookbooks, television personality and restaurateur Paula... Paula Deen Releases Delicious New Butter Product Made From Her Breast Milk http://t.co/sLHVaTI5Nx

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Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The... MARIETTA, GA—Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version... Sources: No one wanting to watch struggling karaoke singer dick around for five minutes http://t.co/YLd0IbYWtR

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Strange New Culture Forming On Other End Of Office HOUSTON—Pointing to the group’s radically divergent behaviors and customs, employees at local software firm Pendant Systems confirmed Friday that... "Somehow, the account management team has forged a society all its own. It's truly remarkable." http://t.co/QpmRbLPqkJ

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Coming Out: Is This Teenager Ready To Reveal That He’s... Weekend Magazine | Coming Out: Is This Teenager Ready To Reveal That He’s Gay? http://t.co/VM9t24MwJO

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NSA Wiretap Reveals Subject May Be Paying Too Much For... FORT MEADE, MD—Analysts fear it might be too late to stop Cincinnati resident Greg Wyckham from choosing a carrier that bills for local calls. In Focus: NSA Wiretap Reveals Subject May Be Paying Too Much For Long-Distance http://t.co/r7YjLp5ZAu

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Susan G. Komen Cancels Half Its Breast Cancer Races Susan G. Komen for the Cure, which is known for its ubiquitous pink-laden breast cancer awareness campaigns, has canceled its three-day charity races... [American Voices] “At last, I can wear pink for purely selfish reasons.” http://t.co/Nf1qzzskoz

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Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password PUYALLUP, WA—Bob Aldridge, who last week became an America Online member, is dying to tell someone his cool password, the 31-year-old associate... In Focus: Area Man Dying To Tell Someone His Cool Password http://t.co/EXVSUgHBDj

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Pat Riley Shows Up To NBA Finals In Signature Bowl Cut Pat Riley Shows Up To NBA Finals In Signature Bowl Cut http://t.co/qXY40HrFmR

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NBA Finals The Miami Heat battle the San Antonio Spurs for a chance to lift a trophy. The Heat battle the Spurs for a chance to lift a trophy. @OnionSports takes a look at some #KeysToTheMatchup: http://t.co/ybz2cBWIK0

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Government Collects Citizens’ Phone Records According to a top secret court ruling issued at the request of the FBI, Verizon has been ordered to hand over mobile and landline phone records of... [American Voices] “I hope the FBI rewards me for my savvy use of nighttime and weekend minutes.” http://t.co/Mn3mkTfw6a

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Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents... MIAMI—Applying an analytical framework dating back to 360 BC, Spurs power forward Tim Duncan used the concept of infinite divisibility Thursday to... Tim Duncan Argues Theory Of Infinite Divisibility Prevents Any Team From Winning Championship http://t.co/bJnIQPBSZm

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Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue PASADENA, CA—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA... Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue http://t.co/58X4zjkEiV

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8 Photos Of You, The Reader This is you http://t.co/gYbqYl2xrD

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30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next... “If Uncle Howie sends something, I might only have to pay half of my phone bill.” – Full-grown adult http://t.co/KlsYRLj1Ci

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Shaven, Cologned Grandpa Heads Into Town To Rake In D-Day... RICHMOND, VA—After applying several spritzes of cologne to his freshly shaven face, 87-year-old World War II veteran Roger Sarlo confidently left... "That’s usually guaranteed to get at least one or two pairs of panties sopping." – Roger Sarlo, 87 http://t.co/KIzloD71eY

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Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To... WASHINGTON—On the heels of reports that the National Security Agency has secretly been amassing the private telephone records of Verizon’s more... "My administration doesn’t have any secrets, and from now on, neither will you." – Barack Obama http://t.co/GFxpZhgimZ

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Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would... SAN ANTONIO—After reaching his fifth NBA championship series, Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich admitted to reporters Wednesday that winning this... Gregg Popovich Admits Winning Championship This Year Would Mean About The Same As Previous Titles http://t.co/WosMSrUorC

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